i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
