i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
