You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
