They should really pass out barf bags in church
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
