have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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