Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
