new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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