After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
