Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
