i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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