U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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