how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
