I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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