I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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