i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
