i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
