My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
