The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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