She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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