have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
