Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
