I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
