It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
