Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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