don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
