Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize