I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
