I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
