I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
