dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Randomize
