When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
