Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize