I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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