it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
