I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I love having hate sex.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize