Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
