I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
