i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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