as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
