I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So vagazzling was a success
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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