there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think my moral compass just broke
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