So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
