You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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