At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
