Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
