At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
