im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
