her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
