make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
