did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
