We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Randomize
