I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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