My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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