Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize