This is not my ceiling
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
