how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
