If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
