How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
