her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
