We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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