thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
