WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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